Anyone who’s tried attracting shy girls can vouch for how hard it can be. It’s difficult when someone is too shy to open up easily, to offer information about themselves, to tell stories, or just to keep the conversation going.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, you’ll find yourself experiencing a lot of awkward silences, where you are desperately fishing in your head for something to say, while she sits there looking awkward.
To get to the root of the problem, you have to understand why she is shy. It’s not because she doesn’t have opinions, or hobbies and interests, or because she has nothing to say – it’s because she is scared of disapproval. She is frightened of being judged, or laughed at, or told that she is wrong. So she keeps her opinions to herself.
So you need to create an environment where she feels comfortable opening up to you.
You do this by asking her questions about herself, whilst at the same time opening up to her. The law of reciprocation states that when you open up to someone, they are far more likely to want to open up to you in response.
So you start with a topic you want to ask her about and you ask her a question, something very inoffensive, that she isn’t likely to feel awkward answering:
‘So what do you do for work?’
‘I work in a bank.’
Often she will offer no more information than this. So you have to probe a little deeper, without triggering her insecurities and worries about whether you will judge her for her response:
‘Ok, what do you do on a day to day basis then?’
‘Well I serve customers, pay checks in for them, nothing much really’
‘Ok, do you like it?’
At this point you need to be perceptive, and read into what she really feels about the situation. Observe her body language, and listen to her tone of voice. Most guys miss all this stuff, because they are too busy thinking in their heads about what to say in response.
So I might respond with:
‘You don’t sound too sure about that – you mean it’s not the worst job in the world, but not the best either’.
‘Yeah, I guess’
‘I bet there’s never a time when you’re jumping out of bed in the morning, desperate to get to your cashier’s window…’
‘Ha…no, not really’
‘I know where you’re coming from – when I was 7 years old, I really loved animals – still do, in fact. I really wanted to be a vet. But when I was 14, everyone told me I was good with computers, and I should go into computers because I’d make a lot of money. So I went into computers…I went through college, university, then got a job in computers…and I still work in computers now. It’s ok…but sometimes I feel slightly unfulfilled by the whole thing, like maybe I missed a trick at some point. When you were a kid, was there something you really wanted to be when you were grown up?’
So here you share something about yourself, which makes you a little vulnerable. She hears the story and thinks ‘wow, he’s just like me’. Then you ask her a related question which encourages her to open up a little more.
Because she feels a little more comfortable with you, she is likely to answer in a little more detail.
And you just keep on doing this – sharing yourself, while asking slightly more probing questions each time.
This article fits hand in hand with the ‘how to get rapport’ article – you can use these techniques on people in general, not just shy girls.